There should be a new awards ceremony -- The Vickies (short for "Victims"). Perhaps the U.N. could host.
When the band concludes playing a non-musical rendition of Islamic prayer drumming and twanging and ululations, and after Penn & Teller wow the audience with a magic trick of beheading a Republican, Yasmeen Bleeth and Whoopi Goldberg in glittering dresses appear at the podium -- first to banter with scripted jokes about the wicked West and those evil Jews and Christians, before they introduce the master of ceremonies, Sean Penn.
To a healthy smattering of applause, he comes up the ramp at a jaunty clip to do the honors of the culminating announcement of the evening -- the roster of potential winners of the prestigious Vickie.
At the dais, as he runs through the nominees, photo montages depict them on the jumbo screen behind him.
"The Wall Street Occupiers!" Sean Penn shouts out, fist in the air, as the crowd cheers... camera pans George Clooney with his latest anorexic supermodel applauding...
"Illegal Mexican immigrants!"
Tommy Lee Jones and Willie Nelson clap and huzzah.
"African-Americans who continue to suffer terrible discrimination!"
Denzel Washington and Stephen Spielberg cheer, gravely and firmly righteous in their stiffnecked tuxedos.
"All the members of the LGBT community!"
Lady Gaga and Ellen Degeneres honk and catcall with flamboyant pride.
"And finally... Muslims!"
The loudest applause yet. A roar from the smell of the crowd -- yea, a standing ovulation. Crane shot cameras sweep the audience amongst the colorful light show and zero in on a lavish round table front and center, seating Michael Moore, Al Gore, Hilary Clinton, Bill Gates, George Soros, Ariana Huffington, Will Smith and his wife Jada Pinkett, Quincy Jones and his daughter Rashida, Bill Maher, Snoop Dogg, Clint Eastwood, Oprah and her companion Gayle King, Barbara Walters, Brian Williams, and Rosie O'Donnel -- the latter inserting her thumb and middle finger into her fat mouth to let out a shrill whistle of approval.
Sean Penn turns to Bleeth.
"And the envelope please..."
A moment of tense silence as he uncrackles the envelope and removes the slip.
"And the winner of The Vickie for twelve straight years in a row goes to..." his crow's-feet-framed swimming-pool-blue eyes look up silently to augment the dramatic pause. The crowd is on pins and needles, though most have a hunch who will win yet again this year.
Howls of applause and hoots of supportive Allahu Akbars from Ed Harris, Jon Stewart, Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, Quentin Tarantino, Leo DiCaprio, and David Blaine, among others.
Over the loudspeaker, the deep baritone of James Earl Jones announces:
"To accept tonight's award -- which since September 12, 2001, honors that group whose unmerited victimization has had the greatest success in exploiting the irrational shame and self-hatred of the Western white man -- there will come to the stage representatives of CAIR, ISNA, MSA, the Muslim Council of Britian, the Organization of Islamic Cooperation, and Palestinian delegates from Hamas, Hezbollah and Fatah..."
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News outlets reported minor scuffles when a small group of peaceful Christians handing out pamphlets -- and on the red carpet, a drunken Andy Dick wearing a burka -- had to be escorted off the premises by the L.A. County Religious Police.